Fantasy Football Advice From My Exclusive Subscribers-Only ESPN Fantasy Football Package

Adrian Peterson, Minnesota - RB

ESPN says: Peterson is a lock to be a top 5 fantasy player this year, barring any injuries, of course. Definitely take him if you have a top five pick in your league.

ESPN Insider says: Peterson averaged 5.6 yards a carry last year and should definitely get plenty of touches, but last week in practice he appeared to be clutching his hamstring after several drills. Potential owners should monitor this situation as it develops.

ESPN Fantasy Edge says: Peterson's the man. He scored 12 touchdowns despite missing time last season, and should definitely be a top two pick. And as for that "hamstring injury" last week, don't worry, that's just a little something Peterson faked to throw off those Insider clowns. Peterson assured us here at Fantasy Edge that he's feeling fine and is ready for another spectacular season.

Tom Brady, New England - QB

ESPN: The best quarterback in fantasy football should have another MVP-caliber season. Take around the mid to late first round in deep leagues.

ESPN Insider: Brady seems to be the consensus choice for best quarterback in fantasy, but yesterday during passing drills he seemed to clutch his elbow after throws, causing many to speculate on a possible injury. Check back for more details during the week.

ESPN Fantasy Edge: Brady's the obvious choice for best quarterback, don't listen to those jack-offs at Insider. After practice yesterday he invited a few Edge reporters to his place for some cocktails and Guitar Hero III, and trust me, his elbow is looking fine. A sure-fire first-rounder.

ESPN Insider: What the hell, Edge? We can read what you're saying about us! Also, we may not have been invited to his post-practice cocktail/Guitar Hero party, but he did give us some free jerseys after practice. Draft Brady late in the first round.

ESPN Platinum Plus: Last night, we at Platinum Plus broke into Brady's house, knocked him unconscious and drove him in a van to our subterranean facility, where we ran tests on every part of his body. The elbow seems to have healed, though a bone marrow biopsy revealed his platelet count to be slightly below average. Check back for more details this week, but he's too risky to draft in the first third rounds.

Marques Colston, New Orleans - WR

ESPN: Colston proved himself a top 5 fantasy wide receiver last year. Don't let him fall past the third round in your league's draft.

ESPN Insider: Yesterday Colston invited the Insider crew over to his house after practice for some bocce and nachos along with the Edge dudes. It was real chill. His hamstring problems appear a thing of the past.

ESPN Fantasy Edge: Agreed. Colston's a solid bro, and Insider, you need to work on your bocce tossing, am I right? Just kidding man, you guys are cool. Take Colston in the late third round.

ESPN Platinum Plus: We shrunk down a team of scientists and injected them inside Colston's body last week. The scar tissue around his pulled hamstring worried us, but what we found in his DNA printout scared us more than anything. Genetically speaking, Colston's 1.15% more likely than the average population to contract colon cancer by the age of 60. We're not sure how this will effect his status for the season opener, but check back for more updates. Don't take earlier than the fifteenth round.

Clinton Portis, Washington - RB

ESPN: Portis should be a top ten back again this year. He's been consistently productive for many seasons now and will be the focal point of the Redskins offense.

ESPN Super-Platinum Plus Premium: Look, you gotta listen to me. We ran some tests here at the Super-Platinum Plus Premium facilities, and our advice is this: Don't draft any players this year. Not a single one. They're all injured.

My Attractive Face

Biologically speaking, I have an attractive face. Lots of women look at me and say, in these exact words, "Boy, that guy's attractive face suggests that his genes would prove beneficial to our potential offspring." You bet your bottom dollar it does, ma'am. What can I say? I have dark bedroom eyes, an un-diabetic looking smile, and a broad jawline that whispers "Hey baby, our kids will have an extremely low chance of being born colorblind." Still not ready to reproduce, ladies? Well check out my high forehead, which, when furrowed, vaguely resembles the DNA sequence for a low waist-to-shoulder ratio. Or my mouth, which is evolutionarily designed to protect potential offspring from hot foods by blowing on them.

When I think about it, though, my most biologically attractive facial feature doesn't have to do with symmetry or strong brows or nice eyes. The most attractive quality, the thing that really makes human females say "Wow, this guy's ready to mate," would have to the huge erect penis protruding from the middle of my face where a nose should be.

The Bible

A lot of people call the Bible "The greatest story ever told," but I don't know...they must not have seen that movie Memento. Now that shit will blow your mind!

Magic Eye

-Look, it's one of those Magic Eye posters!
-Oh man, these things drive me nuts.
(squinting)
Jeez, I can't tell what it is. Maybe an airplane or a giraffe?
-Here let me try, I'm actually really good at these.
(squinting)
Oh my...oh my god.
-What is it?
-I think it's...it's a portal to Hell. Yes, there's the great sea of fire, there are the human souls burning like embers above the conflagration, just like the Our Lady of Fatima apparitions of 1917. And there's Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. Dear god, he's...he's looking at me and laughing. He's taunting me, showing me my entire life, how I'll die alone, old and penniless. Now my soul is chained to a rock and...No, no it's too much, Lucifer! Please, have mercy upon my soul!
(he collapses and begins speaking in tongues)
-Whoa, you are good at these things. Lemme try again...
(squints)
Oh yeah, yeah, now I see it. It is Hell! Heh, I wonder how they make these things...

Somewhere in China...

(A father is driving with his family. They are stopped at a stop sign)

Father: Uh-oh, kids, guess what?
Kids: What?
Father: American fire drill!
Kids: Yay!

(All family members exit in an orderly fashion, make sure the car is safe, then re-enter, sitting in the same seats as before)

Superman

Lois Lane: Clark, I want to talk to you about something; I've been worried about your safety lately.
Superman: Lois, I'm Superman. Virtually nothing can hurt me!
Lois: Yes I know, but it's this Kryptonite substance that concerns me.
Superman: Ah don't worry, it's indigenous to my home planet Krypton, which was destroyed when its sun exploded, millions of light years from Earth.
Lois: That's what I thought at first, but your enemies are constantly getting their hands on it to use against you. Remember when Lex Luthor challenged you to a fight in his sub-aquatic hideout only to ambush you with Kryptonite? Or when Brainiac offered you a truce but when you shook his hand it turned out he was hiding Kryptonite in his glove?
Superman: (about to sit on piece of Kryptonite) Well, I guess I'll just try to keep an eye out for it in the future--
(Lois grabs him, throws Kryptonite out window)
Lois: Clark, you almost sat on that piece of Kryptonite!
Superman: Haha, what a blooper that would've been.
Lois: Blooper? You could've really been hurt! You have super-vision, super-smell, and nearly all other kinds of super senses. Can't you somehow detect this stuff from far away?
Superman: Gee, you're right, I really should--
(Superman is about to take a bite of a sandwich, Lois knocks it away)
Lois: Clark, that sandwich had Kryptonite in it!
Superman: Haha, man, talk about a brain fart.
Lois: Jesus, Clark...you could've...you could've died.

Medical Drama Strike

Although the writer's strike has ended, few people know that there's still another ongoing strike yet to be resolved--the Medical Drama Consultants Guild strike. Many medical dramas (or "med-drams") employ these consultants to fill in complex medical jargon most drama writers would otherwise not know of, but I'm sure despite this strike this season's med-drams (or "m-ramas") will still be as riveting as ever. Let's take a sneak peak:

Nurse Sanders: Doctor, we need you in the emergency room immediately, we're losing a patient!
Dr. Wells: God dammit, not on my shift!
(enters operating room)
Dr. Jenkins: We're not quite positive, but we think he has leukemia of the face, sir.
Dr. Wells: Jenkins, I need 100 cc's of scalpel! And fire up the de-bloodulator, this man's heart is about to spontaneously combust.
Dr. Jenkins: But Doctor, shouldn't we use some sort of uh...like cutting device...and make a...cut...around the patient's...tum-tum?
Dr. Wells: Make a Class 5 incision in the stomach bone?! There's no time. Bring me those little shocking thingies that automatically save a person's life.
Dr. Jenkins: Alright, shock thingies set to a million volts.
Dr. Wells: And clear!
Dr. Jenkins: Huh?
Dr. Wells: Ya know, "clear"! It's a thing I heard someone shout in an action movie once. It means like "go"!
Dr. Jenkins: Ah ok.
(administers shock, the patient wakes up)
Patient: Oh thank god, you saved me, doctor!
Dr. Wells: Nurse, can you hand me the uh...flat plastic surface, used for making writings on...
(Nurse hands him a clipboard)
Dr. Wells: Well, looks like the operation is complete. So...I guess we do some sort of celebration dance now?

Investment Banking Interview

Businessman: It says here on your resume that you were number one in your class at Princeton.
Arthur: Yes, sir.
Businessman: Fantastic, just splendid. We sure could use a number cruncher like yourself here at the company. Now I just have to ask you a few questions. What's the square root of 783?
Arthur: Roughly 27.982, sir.
Businessman: Ah, very good. How about this--A man is on his way to the local marketplace to sell a fox, a chicken and some grain. He has to cross a river, and his boat is just big enough to carry him and one of the other three. When he arrives at the river, he knows he's got a problem. If he leaves the fox and the chicken, the fox eats the chicken. Otherwise, if he leaves the chicken and the grain, the chicken eats the grain. How does the man get the fox, the chicken and the grain to the other side of the river?
Arthur: (thinks briefly) Well first, the man brings the chicken to the other side. Then he goes back, takes the fox and brings him to the other side. Then he takes the chicken back, picks up the grain and leaves that with the fox on the other side. Then he picks up the chicken from the other side and continues his way to the marketplace.
Businessman: (writing this down) I see, very impressive.
Arthur: Are these questions to test my computational and logic skills, sir?
Businessman: Um...yeah...computational and logic skills...of course, sure. Well, that concludes the interview, thank you Mr. Andrews, we'll be in touch.
Arthur: Thank you, sir.
(Arthur exits. The Businessman quickly picks up the phone and dials)
Businessman: Schwartzman, I think I know how we can do this.

CUT TO:
A river bank. Schwartzman, another businessman, is holding a bag of grain, a chicken in a cage, and a fox on a leash. He speaks into a cell phone.

Schwartzman: Oh thank god, sir. I've tried everything, but this chicken keeps getting into the grain and then next thing I know the damn fox's got her head in his mouth. Jesus, we're gonna lose this KKR deal if I don't get make these three shipments on time...
Businessman: Pull your shit together, Schwartzman, and listen to me! Okay so first, you gotta take the chicken to the other side...

WikiHow: How to Write the Great American Novel

Writing the great American novel may seem difficult, but by following these steps, it will become quite easy!

1. Think of a setting. Maybe a Midwestern farm or a major metropolitan area?

2. Create some characters.

3. Write a plot with a rising and falling action, and plenty of conflict.

4. Reach into the metaphysical depths of the human condition while siphoning the zeitgeist of an entire era. It may help to do this by taming the blazing desire that brightly burns in the inner recesses of every American's soul, then offer an improbable yet attainable solution for a future ravaged by fatalistic suffering and unrequited needs.

5. Come up with a catchy title!

Desperation Time

After surfing through the interbutts today I was shocked and disappointed to find my blog was not quite as popular as Gawker yet. Below are some schemes I thought of that should boost this site's hit count:

A Desperate Attempt at Boosting this Blog's Hits

Hey, have you heard the latest gossip about Paris Hilton? What about the Britney Spears? Or that Blue-Ray disc? No? Too bad then. Now if you'll excuse me, I should get back to this Chicken Recipe I've been working on.

A desperate attempt at getting Blogspot's attention

Hey, Blogspot.com! Your blogging services are of substandard quality!

A desperate attempt at getting the attention of an old high school friend

Hey, Tim Hahn! Your jumpshot in high school was of substandard quality!

Threesome Morning After

Phil: Hi Marisa, this is Phil, from the threesome last night.
Marisa: Oh hey, Phil! How's it going?
Phil: Good. Um, this is kinda awkward for me, I've never had a threesome before and I don't really know--
Automated voice: TINA has entered the conference call.
Phil: Wait, what?
Marisa: I invited Tina. You know, the other girl in our threesome last night. Hey, Tina!
Tina: Hi guys! Are you as sore as I am? Haha!
Phil: Uh, yeah so what I wanted to say, Marisa, was that I think I have some feelings--
Marisa: You have soft hands.
Phil: Huh? Well, thanks I guess but-
Marisa: Oh no, I was talking to Tina.
Tina: Thanks!
Automated voice: KEITH has just entered the conference call.
Keith: What up biznitches!?
Marisa: Yo Keith!
Tina: Sup?
Phil: What? Who's Keith?
Marisa: Oh we forgot to mention...Keith hid in the closet during the threesome. He likes to watch.
Keith: Don't worry, you were totally hot, man!
Phil: Ah jeez, guys, this all feels really weird. Maybe you're used to all this kinky sex stuff, but I'm just a regular guy. I'm not used to threeways, or guys watching from the closet, or conference calls.
Tina: Oh don't be intimidated, we just set up this group call because it's the easiest way for all of us to talk. It's not like an actual business conference or anything.
Automated voice: MR. BEASLEY has entered the conference call.
Mr. Beasley: Murrr-dock! You're late for your 11:15 clusterfuck!
Marisa: Sorry, Mr. Beasley, my two o'clock here is running long.
Phil: Wait, your job is to have group sex with people? What's going on?
Mr. Beasley: Ah, is that you, Phil? Phil Jameson? I read your file this morning. We could use a man of your caliber here at the firm.
Phil: (flattered) Why thank you, Mr. Beasley I--(snaps out of it) No! No, I just want to tell Marisa I--
Marisa: Sorry, Phil, we have an important meeting now. Maybe Janice our secretary can pencil you in for an afternoon time tomorrow?
Phil: But I...
Automated voice: MARISA, KEITH, and TINA have left the conference call.
Phil: ...I love you.

Can someone tell me what this dream means?

I keep having this dream where I'm at work, but I can't concentrate because one of my male co-workers is sitting in the corner masturbating. Whenever I look over he stares me in the eyes and whispers something in crazy backward speech. I try to touch him but I realize my arms are skeleton arms, and every time I approach him his face turns into the face of my deceased grandmother. I start bawling, and my skeleton hands start showing signs of stigmata. Suddenly an alien materializes and tells me it's not my fault, I can come back home now and Father didn't actually lose his legs in the war.

Anyways, my question is, the dream was in black and white and I heard that creative people dream in color. Does this mean I'm not creative? This is important because I like to tell people I'm creative.

My File-Sharing Lawsuit Nightmare

Judge: Mr. Duke Murder, for the illegal downloading of over 100 gigabytes of music, I sentence you to...four hours community service.
Me: Huh? That's it?
Judge: Yep, that's it. We searched your downloads folder and you got some pretty cool stuff. Brian Eno's Another Green World, My Bloody Valentine's You Made Me Realise EP, old Robert Johnson recordings--you've got good taste.
Me: Oh, well thank you, your honor. And trust me, I promise never to download ag--
Judge: (squinting at records) WAIT just a minute here. On March 12, 2005, you downloaded Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping." Then, just two days later, with your musical appetite not quite satiated, you downloaded a "Tubthumping" pub remix by Fatboy Slim-
Me: Uh, please, your honor, could we maybe go over these at another time and place? My family, girlfriend and pastor are all here and this is kinda embarrassing-
Judge: Silence! These records then indicate that when Moby's pub remix wasn't enough for your gluttonous tastes, you had to scour the internet for a "Tubthumping"/"Hey, Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)" mash-up.
My mom: (crying) Where did my little boy go wrong?!
(several small children in the courtroom begin crying and are led out by a court officer)
Me: Uh, I can explain...you see, I only listen to those songs ironically and...
A Murderer Convicted For Skinning People Alive And Carving Swastikas Into Their Tongues: You make me sick.

Nobel Peace Prize - 1948

Judge: What have you got this year, sir?
Scientist 1: I call it the transistor. It's a small semiconductor device that, when placed in a circuit, can amplify or switch the electrical current on or off.
Judge: Hm, yes. So you've basically invented a tiny light switch?
Scientist 1: Well uh, no, it's actually much more complex and practical than that-
Judge: Right, well, good for you then. Moving along...oh my goodness, sir, what is this divine creation?!
Scientist 2: I call them "Dippin' Dots." They're like ice cream, but shaped into tiny balls.
Judge: Fascinating! It's like the ice cream of the future...and we could charge six dollars for a tiny cup of it at amuse-a-toriums!
Scientist 1: But sir, my invention could stand as the most important device of the 20th century! We could use these transistors to create complex integrated circuits for storing great quantities of data and-
Judge: (pinning blue ribbon on Scientist 2) I think we have a winner.

A Story About Something Really Funny that Happened to Me in High School

DISCLAIMER: THE NAMES OF SOME PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS AND EVEN ACTIONS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF THOSE INVOLVED.

So it's junior year, and I'm sitting in chemistry class with my buddy Thomas Jefferson. It's your typical boring day at St. Tyrannosaurus Rex High. Mrs. The Incredible Hulk is blabbing about covalent bonds, Megan Meganson is dressed like a slut, and star quarterback Todd Fartington is getting all the chicks. Suddenly my buddy Thomas Jefferson gets an idea. Why don't we hide Mrs. The Incredible Hulk's Bunsen burners in Canada? he says. Just as he says this, Stonewall Jackson burst in riding Ghost Rider's motorcycle, Todd Fartington killed a gnome, and Megan Meganson started crying because a hippo sneezed. Then I said "I guess that's why they call them covalent bonds!" and everyone laughed.

Great story, huh?