Phil: Hi Marisa, this is Phil, from the threesome last night.
Marisa: Oh hey, Phil! How's it going?
Phil: Good. Um, this is kinda awkward for me, I've never had a threesome before and I don't really know--
Automated voice: TINA has entered the conference call.
Phil: Wait, what?
Marisa: I invited Tina. You know, the other girl in our threesome last night. Hey, Tina!
Tina: Hi guys! Are you as sore as I am? Haha!
Phil: Uh, yeah so what I wanted to say, Marisa, was that I think I have some feelings--
Marisa: You have soft hands.
Phil: Huh? Well, thanks I guess but-
Marisa: Oh no, I was talking to Tina.
Tina: Thanks!
Automated voice: KEITH has just entered the conference call.
Keith: What up biznitches!?
Marisa: Yo Keith!
Tina: Sup?
Phil: What? Who's Keith?
Marisa: Oh we forgot to mention...Keith hid in the closet during the threesome. He likes to watch.
Keith: Don't worry, you were totally hot, man!
Phil: Ah jeez, guys, this all feels really weird. Maybe you're used to all this kinky sex stuff, but I'm just a regular guy. I'm not used to threeways, or guys watching from the closet, or conference calls.
Tina: Oh don't be intimidated, we just set up this group call because it's the easiest way for all of us to talk. It's not like an actual business conference or anything.
Automated voice: MR. BEASLEY has entered the conference call.
Mr. Beasley: Murrr-dock! You're late for your 11:15 clusterfuck!
Marisa: Sorry, Mr. Beasley, my two o'clock here is running long.
Phil: Wait, your job is to have group sex with people? What's going on?
Mr. Beasley: Ah, is that you, Phil? Phil Jameson? I read your file this morning. We could use a man of your caliber here at the firm.
Phil: (flattered) Why thank you, Mr. Beasley I--(snaps out of it) No! No, I just want to tell Marisa I--
Marisa: Sorry, Phil, we have an important meeting now. Maybe Janice our secretary can pencil you in for an afternoon time tomorrow?
Phil: But I...
Automated voice: MARISA, KEITH, and TINA have left the conference call.
Phil: ...I love you.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Can someone tell me what this dream means?
I keep having this dream where I'm at work, but I can't concentrate because one of my male co-workers is sitting in the corner masturbating. Whenever I look over he stares me in the eyes and whispers something in crazy backward speech. I try to touch him but I realize my arms are skeleton arms, and every time I approach him his face turns into the face of my deceased grandmother. I start bawling, and my skeleton hands start showing signs of stigmata. Suddenly an alien materializes and tells me it's not my fault, I can come back home now and Father didn't actually lose his legs in the war.
Anyways, my question is, the dream was in black and white and I heard that creative people dream in color. Does this mean I'm not creative? This is important because I like to tell people I'm creative.
Anyways, my question is, the dream was in black and white and I heard that creative people dream in color. Does this mean I'm not creative? This is important because I like to tell people I'm creative.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
My File-Sharing Lawsuit Nightmare
Judge: Mr. Duke Murder, for the illegal downloading of over 100 gigabytes of music, I sentence you to...four hours community service.
Me: Huh? That's it?
Judge: Yep, that's it. We searched your downloads folder and you got some pretty cool stuff. Brian Eno's Another Green World, My Bloody Valentine's You Made Me Realise EP, old Robert Johnson recordings--you've got good taste.
Me: Oh, well thank you, your honor. And trust me, I promise never to download ag--
Judge: (squinting at records) WAIT just a minute here. On March 12, 2005, you downloaded Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping." Then, just two days later, with your musical appetite not quite satiated, you downloaded a "Tubthumping" pub remix by Fatboy Slim-
Me: Uh, please, your honor, could we maybe go over these at another time and place? My family, girlfriend and pastor are all here and this is kinda embarrassing-
Judge: Silence! These records then indicate that when Moby's pub remix wasn't enough for your gluttonous tastes, you had to scour the internet for a "Tubthumping"/"Hey, Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)" mash-up.
My mom: (crying) Where did my little boy go wrong?!
(several small children in the courtroom begin crying and are led out by a court officer)
Me: Uh, I can explain...you see, I only listen to those songs ironically and...
A Murderer Convicted For Skinning People Alive And Carving Swastikas Into Their Tongues: You make me sick.
Me: Huh? That's it?
Judge: Yep, that's it. We searched your downloads folder and you got some pretty cool stuff. Brian Eno's Another Green World, My Bloody Valentine's You Made Me Realise EP, old Robert Johnson recordings--you've got good taste.
Me: Oh, well thank you, your honor. And trust me, I promise never to download ag--
Judge: (squinting at records) WAIT just a minute here. On March 12, 2005, you downloaded Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping." Then, just two days later, with your musical appetite not quite satiated, you downloaded a "Tubthumping" pub remix by Fatboy Slim-
Me: Uh, please, your honor, could we maybe go over these at another time and place? My family, girlfriend and pastor are all here and this is kinda embarrassing-
Judge: Silence! These records then indicate that when Moby's pub remix wasn't enough for your gluttonous tastes, you had to scour the internet for a "Tubthumping"/"Hey, Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)" mash-up.
My mom: (crying) Where did my little boy go wrong?!
(several small children in the courtroom begin crying and are led out by a court officer)
Me: Uh, I can explain...you see, I only listen to those songs ironically and...
A Murderer Convicted For Skinning People Alive And Carving Swastikas Into Their Tongues: You make me sick.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Nobel Peace Prize - 1948
Judge: What have you got this year, sir?
Scientist 1: I call it the transistor. It's a small semiconductor device that, when placed in a circuit, can amplify or switch the electrical current on or off.
Judge: Hm, yes. So you've basically invented a tiny light switch?
Scientist 1: Well uh, no, it's actually much more complex and practical than that-
Judge: Right, well, good for you then. Moving along...oh my goodness, sir, what is this divine creation?!
Scientist 2: I call them "Dippin' Dots." They're like ice cream, but shaped into tiny balls.
Judge: Fascinating! It's like the ice cream of the future...and we could charge six dollars for a tiny cup of it at amuse-a-toriums!
Scientist 1: But sir, my invention could stand as the most important device of the 20th century! We could use these transistors to create complex integrated circuits for storing great quantities of data and-
Judge: (pinning blue ribbon on Scientist 2) I think we have a winner.
Scientist 1: I call it the transistor. It's a small semiconductor device that, when placed in a circuit, can amplify or switch the electrical current on or off.
Judge: Hm, yes. So you've basically invented a tiny light switch?
Scientist 1: Well uh, no, it's actually much more complex and practical than that-
Judge: Right, well, good for you then. Moving along...oh my goodness, sir, what is this divine creation?!
Scientist 2: I call them "Dippin' Dots." They're like ice cream, but shaped into tiny balls.
Judge: Fascinating! It's like the ice cream of the future...and we could charge six dollars for a tiny cup of it at amuse-a-toriums!
Scientist 1: But sir, my invention could stand as the most important device of the 20th century! We could use these transistors to create complex integrated circuits for storing great quantities of data and-
Judge: (pinning blue ribbon on Scientist 2) I think we have a winner.
Friday, January 4, 2008
A Story About Something Really Funny that Happened to Me in High School
DISCLAIMER: THE NAMES OF SOME PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS AND EVEN ACTIONS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF THOSE INVOLVED.
So it's junior year, and I'm sitting in chemistry class with my buddy Thomas Jefferson. It's your typical boring day at St. Tyrannosaurus Rex High. Mrs. The Incredible Hulk is blabbing about covalent bonds, Megan Meganson is dressed like a slut, and star quarterback Todd Fartington is getting all the chicks. Suddenly my buddy Thomas Jefferson gets an idea. Why don't we hide Mrs. The Incredible Hulk's Bunsen burners in Canada? he says. Just as he says this, Stonewall Jackson burst in riding Ghost Rider's motorcycle, Todd Fartington killed a gnome, and Megan Meganson started crying because a hippo sneezed. Then I said "I guess that's why they call them covalent bonds!" and everyone laughed.
Great story, huh?
So it's junior year, and I'm sitting in chemistry class with my buddy Thomas Jefferson. It's your typical boring day at St. Tyrannosaurus Rex High. Mrs. The Incredible Hulk is blabbing about covalent bonds, Megan Meganson is dressed like a slut, and star quarterback Todd Fartington is getting all the chicks. Suddenly my buddy Thomas Jefferson gets an idea. Why don't we hide Mrs. The Incredible Hulk's Bunsen burners in Canada? he says. Just as he says this, Stonewall Jackson burst in riding Ghost Rider's motorcycle, Todd Fartington killed a gnome, and Megan Meganson started crying because a hippo sneezed. Then I said "I guess that's why they call them covalent bonds!" and everyone laughed.
Great story, huh?
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