Judge: Mr. Duke Murder, for the illegal downloading of over 100 gigabytes of music, I sentence you to...four hours community service.
Me: Huh? That's it?
Judge: Yep, that's it. We searched your downloads folder and you got some pretty cool stuff. Brian Eno's Another Green World, My Bloody Valentine's You Made Me Realise EP, old Robert Johnson recordings--you've got good taste.
Me: Oh, well thank you, your honor. And trust me, I promise never to download ag--
Judge: (squinting at records) WAIT just a minute here. On March 12, 2005, you downloaded Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping." Then, just two days later, with your musical appetite not quite satiated, you downloaded a "Tubthumping" pub remix by Fatboy Slim-
Me: Uh, please, your honor, could we maybe go over these at another time and place? My family, girlfriend and pastor are all here and this is kinda embarrassing-
Judge: Silence! These records then indicate that when Moby's pub remix wasn't enough for your gluttonous tastes, you had to scour the internet for a "Tubthumping"/"Hey, Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)" mash-up.
My mom: (crying) Where did my little boy go wrong?!
(several small children in the courtroom begin crying and are led out by a court officer)
Me: Uh, I can explain...you see, I only listen to those songs ironically and...
A Murderer Convicted For Skinning People Alive And Carving Swastikas Into Their Tongues: You make me sick.
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