Somewhere in China...

(A father is driving with his family. They are stopped at a stop sign)

Father: Uh-oh, kids, guess what?
Kids: What?
Father: American fire drill!
Kids: Yay!

(All family members exit in an orderly fashion, make sure the car is safe, then re-enter, sitting in the same seats as before)

Superman

Lois Lane: Clark, I want to talk to you about something; I've been worried about your safety lately.
Superman: Lois, I'm Superman. Virtually nothing can hurt me!
Lois: Yes I know, but it's this Kryptonite substance that concerns me.
Superman: Ah don't worry, it's indigenous to my home planet Krypton, which was destroyed when its sun exploded, millions of light years from Earth.
Lois: That's what I thought at first, but your enemies are constantly getting their hands on it to use against you. Remember when Lex Luthor challenged you to a fight in his sub-aquatic hideout only to ambush you with Kryptonite? Or when Brainiac offered you a truce but when you shook his hand it turned out he was hiding Kryptonite in his glove?
Superman: (about to sit on piece of Kryptonite) Well, I guess I'll just try to keep an eye out for it in the future--
(Lois grabs him, throws Kryptonite out window)
Lois: Clark, you almost sat on that piece of Kryptonite!
Superman: Haha, what a blooper that would've been.
Lois: Blooper? You could've really been hurt! You have super-vision, super-smell, and nearly all other kinds of super senses. Can't you somehow detect this stuff from far away?
Superman: Gee, you're right, I really should--
(Superman is about to take a bite of a sandwich, Lois knocks it away)
Lois: Clark, that sandwich had Kryptonite in it!
Superman: Haha, man, talk about a brain fart.
Lois: Jesus, Clark...you could've...you could've died.

Medical Drama Strike

Although the writer's strike has ended, few people know that there's still another ongoing strike yet to be resolved--the Medical Drama Consultants Guild strike. Many medical dramas (or "med-drams") employ these consultants to fill in complex medical jargon most drama writers would otherwise not know of, but I'm sure despite this strike this season's med-drams (or "m-ramas") will still be as riveting as ever. Let's take a sneak peak:

Nurse Sanders: Doctor, we need you in the emergency room immediately, we're losing a patient!
Dr. Wells: God dammit, not on my shift!
(enters operating room)
Dr. Jenkins: We're not quite positive, but we think he has leukemia of the face, sir.
Dr. Wells: Jenkins, I need 100 cc's of scalpel! And fire up the de-bloodulator, this man's heart is about to spontaneously combust.
Dr. Jenkins: But Doctor, shouldn't we use some sort of uh...like cutting device...and make a...cut...around the patient's...tum-tum?
Dr. Wells: Make a Class 5 incision in the stomach bone?! There's no time. Bring me those little shocking thingies that automatically save a person's life.
Dr. Jenkins: Alright, shock thingies set to a million volts.
Dr. Wells: And clear!
Dr. Jenkins: Huh?
Dr. Wells: Ya know, "clear"! It's a thing I heard someone shout in an action movie once. It means like "go"!
Dr. Jenkins: Ah ok.
(administers shock, the patient wakes up)
Patient: Oh thank god, you saved me, doctor!
Dr. Wells: Nurse, can you hand me the uh...flat plastic surface, used for making writings on...
(Nurse hands him a clipboard)
Dr. Wells: Well, looks like the operation is complete. So...I guess we do some sort of celebration dance now?

Investment Banking Interview

Businessman: It says here on your resume that you were number one in your class at Princeton.
Arthur: Yes, sir.
Businessman: Fantastic, just splendid. We sure could use a number cruncher like yourself here at the company. Now I just have to ask you a few questions. What's the square root of 783?
Arthur: Roughly 27.982, sir.
Businessman: Ah, very good. How about this--A man is on his way to the local marketplace to sell a fox, a chicken and some grain. He has to cross a river, and his boat is just big enough to carry him and one of the other three. When he arrives at the river, he knows he's got a problem. If he leaves the fox and the chicken, the fox eats the chicken. Otherwise, if he leaves the chicken and the grain, the chicken eats the grain. How does the man get the fox, the chicken and the grain to the other side of the river?
Arthur: (thinks briefly) Well first, the man brings the chicken to the other side. Then he goes back, takes the fox and brings him to the other side. Then he takes the chicken back, picks up the grain and leaves that with the fox on the other side. Then he picks up the chicken from the other side and continues his way to the marketplace.
Businessman: (writing this down) I see, very impressive.
Arthur: Are these questions to test my computational and logic skills, sir?
Businessman: Um...yeah...computational and logic skills...of course, sure. Well, that concludes the interview, thank you Mr. Andrews, we'll be in touch.
Arthur: Thank you, sir.
(Arthur exits. The Businessman quickly picks up the phone and dials)
Businessman: Schwartzman, I think I know how we can do this.

CUT TO:
A river bank. Schwartzman, another businessman, is holding a bag of grain, a chicken in a cage, and a fox on a leash. He speaks into a cell phone.

Schwartzman: Oh thank god, sir. I've tried everything, but this chicken keeps getting into the grain and then next thing I know the damn fox's got her head in his mouth. Jesus, we're gonna lose this KKR deal if I don't get make these three shipments on time...
Businessman: Pull your shit together, Schwartzman, and listen to me! Okay so first, you gotta take the chicken to the other side...