Fantasy Football Advice From My Exclusive Subscribers-Only ESPN Fantasy Football Package

Adrian Peterson, Minnesota - RB

ESPN says: Peterson is a lock to be a top 5 fantasy player this year, barring any injuries, of course. Definitely take him if you have a top five pick in your league.

ESPN Insider says: Peterson averaged 5.6 yards a carry last year and should definitely get plenty of touches, but last week in practice he appeared to be clutching his hamstring after several drills. Potential owners should monitor this situation as it develops.

ESPN Fantasy Edge says: Peterson's the man. He scored 12 touchdowns despite missing time last season, and should definitely be a top two pick. And as for that "hamstring injury" last week, don't worry, that's just a little something Peterson faked to throw off those Insider clowns. Peterson assured us here at Fantasy Edge that he's feeling fine and is ready for another spectacular season.

Tom Brady, New England - QB

ESPN: The best quarterback in fantasy football should have another MVP-caliber season. Take around the mid to late first round in deep leagues.

ESPN Insider: Brady seems to be the consensus choice for best quarterback in fantasy, but yesterday during passing drills he seemed to clutch his elbow after throws, causing many to speculate on a possible injury. Check back for more details during the week.

ESPN Fantasy Edge: Brady's the obvious choice for best quarterback, don't listen to those jack-offs at Insider. After practice yesterday he invited a few Edge reporters to his place for some cocktails and Guitar Hero III, and trust me, his elbow is looking fine. A sure-fire first-rounder.

ESPN Insider: What the hell, Edge? We can read what you're saying about us! Also, we may not have been invited to his post-practice cocktail/Guitar Hero party, but he did give us some free jerseys after practice. Draft Brady late in the first round.

ESPN Platinum Plus: Last night, we at Platinum Plus broke into Brady's house, knocked him unconscious and drove him in a van to our subterranean facility, where we ran tests on every part of his body. The elbow seems to have healed, though a bone marrow biopsy revealed his platelet count to be slightly below average. Check back for more details this week, but he's too risky to draft in the first third rounds.

Marques Colston, New Orleans - WR

ESPN: Colston proved himself a top 5 fantasy wide receiver last year. Don't let him fall past the third round in your league's draft.

ESPN Insider: Yesterday Colston invited the Insider crew over to his house after practice for some bocce and nachos along with the Edge dudes. It was real chill. His hamstring problems appear a thing of the past.

ESPN Fantasy Edge: Agreed. Colston's a solid bro, and Insider, you need to work on your bocce tossing, am I right? Just kidding man, you guys are cool. Take Colston in the late third round.

ESPN Platinum Plus: We shrunk down a team of scientists and injected them inside Colston's body last week. The scar tissue around his pulled hamstring worried us, but what we found in his DNA printout scared us more than anything. Genetically speaking, Colston's 1.15% more likely than the average population to contract colon cancer by the age of 60. We're not sure how this will effect his status for the season opener, but check back for more updates. Don't take earlier than the fifteenth round.

Clinton Portis, Washington - RB

ESPN: Portis should be a top ten back again this year. He's been consistently productive for many seasons now and will be the focal point of the Redskins offense.

ESPN Super-Platinum Plus Premium: Look, you gotta listen to me. We ran some tests here at the Super-Platinum Plus Premium facilities, and our advice is this: Don't draft any players this year. Not a single one. They're all injured.

My Attractive Face

Biologically speaking, I have an attractive face. Lots of women look at me and say, in these exact words, "Boy, that guy's attractive face suggests that his genes would prove beneficial to our potential offspring." You bet your bottom dollar it does, ma'am. What can I say? I have dark bedroom eyes, an un-diabetic looking smile, and a broad jawline that whispers "Hey baby, our kids will have an extremely low chance of being born colorblind." Still not ready to reproduce, ladies? Well check out my high forehead, which, when furrowed, vaguely resembles the DNA sequence for a low waist-to-shoulder ratio. Or my mouth, which is evolutionarily designed to protect potential offspring from hot foods by blowing on them.

When I think about it, though, my most biologically attractive facial feature doesn't have to do with symmetry or strong brows or nice eyes. The most attractive quality, the thing that really makes human females say "Wow, this guy's ready to mate," would have to the huge erect penis protruding from the middle of my face where a nose should be.

The Bible

A lot of people call the Bible "The greatest story ever told," but I don't know...they must not have seen that movie Memento. Now that shit will blow your mind!

Magic Eye

-Look, it's one of those Magic Eye posters!
-Oh man, these things drive me nuts.
(squinting)
Jeez, I can't tell what it is. Maybe an airplane or a giraffe?
-Here let me try, I'm actually really good at these.
(squinting)
Oh my...oh my god.
-What is it?
-I think it's...it's a portal to Hell. Yes, there's the great sea of fire, there are the human souls burning like embers above the conflagration, just like the Our Lady of Fatima apparitions of 1917. And there's Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. Dear god, he's...he's looking at me and laughing. He's taunting me, showing me my entire life, how I'll die alone, old and penniless. Now my soul is chained to a rock and...No, no it's too much, Lucifer! Please, have mercy upon my soul!
(he collapses and begins speaking in tongues)
-Whoa, you are good at these things. Lemme try again...
(squints)
Oh yeah, yeah, now I see it. It is Hell! Heh, I wonder how they make these things...

Somewhere in China...

(A father is driving with his family. They are stopped at a stop sign)

Father: Uh-oh, kids, guess what?
Kids: What?
Father: American fire drill!
Kids: Yay!

(All family members exit in an orderly fashion, make sure the car is safe, then re-enter, sitting in the same seats as before)

Superman

Lois Lane: Clark, I want to talk to you about something; I've been worried about your safety lately.
Superman: Lois, I'm Superman. Virtually nothing can hurt me!
Lois: Yes I know, but it's this Kryptonite substance that concerns me.
Superman: Ah don't worry, it's indigenous to my home planet Krypton, which was destroyed when its sun exploded, millions of light years from Earth.
Lois: That's what I thought at first, but your enemies are constantly getting their hands on it to use against you. Remember when Lex Luthor challenged you to a fight in his sub-aquatic hideout only to ambush you with Kryptonite? Or when Brainiac offered you a truce but when you shook his hand it turned out he was hiding Kryptonite in his glove?
Superman: (about to sit on piece of Kryptonite) Well, I guess I'll just try to keep an eye out for it in the future--
(Lois grabs him, throws Kryptonite out window)
Lois: Clark, you almost sat on that piece of Kryptonite!
Superman: Haha, what a blooper that would've been.
Lois: Blooper? You could've really been hurt! You have super-vision, super-smell, and nearly all other kinds of super senses. Can't you somehow detect this stuff from far away?
Superman: Gee, you're right, I really should--
(Superman is about to take a bite of a sandwich, Lois knocks it away)
Lois: Clark, that sandwich had Kryptonite in it!
Superman: Haha, man, talk about a brain fart.
Lois: Jesus, Clark...you could've...you could've died.

Medical Drama Strike

Although the writer's strike has ended, few people know that there's still another ongoing strike yet to be resolved--the Medical Drama Consultants Guild strike. Many medical dramas (or "med-drams") employ these consultants to fill in complex medical jargon most drama writers would otherwise not know of, but I'm sure despite this strike this season's med-drams (or "m-ramas") will still be as riveting as ever. Let's take a sneak peak:

Nurse Sanders: Doctor, we need you in the emergency room immediately, we're losing a patient!
Dr. Wells: God dammit, not on my shift!
(enters operating room)
Dr. Jenkins: We're not quite positive, but we think he has leukemia of the face, sir.
Dr. Wells: Jenkins, I need 100 cc's of scalpel! And fire up the de-bloodulator, this man's heart is about to spontaneously combust.
Dr. Jenkins: But Doctor, shouldn't we use some sort of uh...like cutting device...and make a...cut...around the patient's...tum-tum?
Dr. Wells: Make a Class 5 incision in the stomach bone?! There's no time. Bring me those little shocking thingies that automatically save a person's life.
Dr. Jenkins: Alright, shock thingies set to a million volts.
Dr. Wells: And clear!
Dr. Jenkins: Huh?
Dr. Wells: Ya know, "clear"! It's a thing I heard someone shout in an action movie once. It means like "go"!
Dr. Jenkins: Ah ok.
(administers shock, the patient wakes up)
Patient: Oh thank god, you saved me, doctor!
Dr. Wells: Nurse, can you hand me the uh...flat plastic surface, used for making writings on...
(Nurse hands him a clipboard)
Dr. Wells: Well, looks like the operation is complete. So...I guess we do some sort of celebration dance now?